Just To Feel
by AJ's Poster Girl
Summary: Deals with Ellie's cutting and her problems at home.
1. Chapter 1

"Here we go again" I muttered to myself as I walked up the stairs to Degrassi Community School. I walk down the hall staring at my feet, I only looked up when I heard giggling, and guess who? Yup, Paige standing in front of her locker with her friends gossiping and laughing about something, maybe one of Heather Sinclair's latest mishaps or maybe even me. _Don't flatter yourself; you're not that important _I thought

It's Monday, I have Armstrong first and of course I didn't do my math homework… I looked at my watch 7:50_. No point in trying to do it in 5 minutes _I headed to my locker. _22-7-34_ .nothing. _27-2-34? _nothing_. 37-2-24?_ Nothing _Fuck, of course I forgot my combo I'm me.. _I dug through my backpack until I found a little piece of paper I had written it on ring _fuck, ugh whatever my books can wait. _I piled all my crap back into my bag and went off to Armstrong's.

I walked in at sat down in my usual seat behind Paige and next to my best friend Marco. "Hey Ellie, where were you this morning?" he asked "I looked for you everywhere"

"Sorry, I was running late" I answered

"You ditched me…I'm never talking to you again!" he said dramatically in a way only Marco could.

"Is that a promise?" I asked and he stuck my tongue out at me.. I saw Mr. Armstrong walk in with a pile of papers that could only mean one thing… _Please don't let there be a quiz, please don't let there be a quiz, please don't let there be a…_ "Pop Quiz, everything off your desks" _great, just great, but what did I expect? Did I really expect good luck..? _

"Good luck hun" Paige said with a smile as she handed me the quiz

"yeah… thanks…" I muttered back _ok I can do this_ I thought _Find the vertex of the graph of the function y-2x what? When did Armstrong teach that? Oh great… this is gonna be fun… _"Hey Marco" I whispered. He just told me to shut up and I tried to look over at his answers…didn't work… _one quiz isn't gonna kill my grade… will it?..._

ring _finally.. that was the longest class EVER_ I thought… _Kwan… Shakespeare… next class isn't so bad_. Ashley met me at the door "guess what?" she asked

"what?" I answered in a 'I really don't care' voice.

"Craig is planning dinner and a concert this weekend! Isn't he so sweet? I can't wait"

"Sounds… fun…" _well at least one of us is happy _

"Today we'll start by sharing something from out creative journals please take out…" I heard Ms. Kwan say but the rest didn't register. _Today's sucking really bad so far… forgot my locker combo, failed a quiz, feeling like shit… stop it Ellie… you're not making things better.. ugh it doesn't matter… things are never better…I wish that…_

"Hey Ellie" Ashley whispered and poked my arm taking me away from my thoughts

"what? oh… sorry" I said as I stood up and walked to the front of the room… my journal with me "ok.. this is kinda a bad poem I wrote so… don't laugh" I said and began…

_They are beautiful, I am ugly_

_They're humorous, I'm unfunny_

_They're outgoing I am shy_

_They start laughing, I break down and cry_

_My body chokes back tears_

_Thinking of past years_

_Laughing, joking, great time_

_Now I want to hide_

_I don't belong here, not now_

_I might get out but how?_

_I'm stuck in a moment I can't get out of_

_I'm breaking down, had enough_

_I want to run, run so fast_

_But I can't lie, I'm an outcast_

"Some very real issues, very deep I like it a lot, Ellie, good" Ms. Kwan said _finally… I did something right… well that's not that big a deal… I can write… I've always known I could write… so it really doesn't matter…_

"great job Ellie, that was really good" Ashley said as I sat down.

"I guess…."

During break I went back to my locker _24-7-32 _click…_ I knew that…_I put the little piece of paper away _I'm gonna need that again…_ _I can't wait until today's over…no… I don't… I don't wanna go home…ugh…home…_

"Ellie!" I heard Marco say bringing me back to reality "hey what's up? So… I was wondering if you wanted to hang out this weekend with me and Dylan…" Marco asked _of course… Dylan… no… I'm happy for Marco… I am… at least… I think I am…_"so…?" Marco said impatiently.

"I'm not sure… I might be busy, besides if it's gonna be you and Dylan I don't wanna bug you"

"awww c'mon El, it's not bugging us… you're my best friend and we never hang out anymore"

"oh so you noticed" I snapped back

"what's that supposed to mean?"

"nothing… Marco…. Sorry… we'll see about this weekend" I said turning and walking away.

"Ellie, how have you been doing?" Ms. Sauve asked in her office later that day

"I'm good" I said giving her a fake smile.

"How are things at home?" she asked "good" _good? Yeah about as good as my…_

"your grades?" _bad, horrible, disappointing, sad_

"good"

"How are you doing with your cutting?" she asked after a short pause

"good" _wow Nash you're just full of lies today_

"Can I see your arms?" she asked . I pulled up my sleeves and revealed my scars but no new cuts. Ms Sauve looked pleased

"I'm proud of you Ellie, you seem to be doing good" she said and smiled. I smiled back.

"Yeah I'm doing really good and I feel good" _of course more bullshit… does my brain even register what I feel like today? _"ok I'm really hungry so can I go to lunch now?" I asked

"of course but come see me on Thursday" she said as I got up. I walked out of the guidance office and dug through my backpack on the way to the bathroom _soon I really will be good…_


	2. Chapter 2

"Mom I'm home…" I yelled and ran upstairs to my room. I headed straight for my radio and turned it on

_My scars remind me the past is real_

_I tear my heart open just to feel_

_I'm drunk and I'm feeling down_

_And I just wanna…_

_I hate that song…_I turned the radio off before it could continue _I guess it's ironic... that song is exactly what I'm feeling… whatever…_ I went over and put in My Chemical Romance and turned it up. I sat on my bed and tried to concentrate on my homework, _yeah right. _I fell back on my pillow and started to relax

"Eleanor turn that down" my mom burst into my room. I could tell she was already drunk _shit…not again…_ I ran over to my stereo and shut it off

"Sorry mom I didn't' know…" The next thing I knew she had pushed me down on the color and was screaming.

" YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO APOLOGIZE IF YOU WEREN'T SO STUPID AND USE YOUR BRAIN"

"But I didn't…" I felt a sharp pain in my side.

"DON'T TALK BACK YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE BITCH" She moved closer to me and I could smell the alcohol on her breath "and the next time you disrespect me I'll make sure you regret it" she whispered in my ear. She walked out of my room and I heard the front door slam. A while later I heard the phone ring. I decided the pain in my side went away enough to get up and answer it.

"Hello"

"Good evening, is this Mrs. Nash?" A man's voice said

"No, this is her daughter, she's not here right now… can I take a message?"

"This may be difficult to hear but please pass this information on to your mother. Lt. Nash has been killed during a military peacekeeping operation you will be contacted in a few days with more information. I'm very sorry for your loss, funeral arrangements will be taken care of. Again I'm very sorry" click he hung up.

"no…no no no no NO!" I screamed and threw the phone across my room. I watched it shatter on the wall and I backed up against the wall behind me, my body shaking. I slid down the wall crying, my side throbbing. _Daddy… you promised you'd be ok… you were the only person I had left… you were supposed to rescue me from hell… it would be ok when you came back… but now…why did you have to go? _I slowly moved across my room to my backpack. I found what I was looking for as the stupid song came back into my head….

_I tear my heart open_

_Just to feel…_


	3. Chapter 3

"Paige, have you seen Ellie? She wasn't in Armstrong's" Marco asked walking up behind Paige and her friends.

"No… she wasn't in Kwan's either… don't worry hun maybe she's just ditching" Paige answered and walked away not giving it a second though. Marco got his cell phone and dialed Ellie's number

"Not here… you know the drill" It went straight to voicemail. _She's probably still sleeping the dork…_Marco though and walked over to meet Dylan

At Ellie's House

Sunlight shone brightly in my room waking me up. I wondered why I was asleep on the floor and suddenly all the events from the day before hit me like a wave. I got up off the floor, my side still throbbing. I picked up my clock 10:20 _too late for school…_I went into the bathroom _I look like shit…_ my reflection was a mess. There were dark circles under my eyes and they were red and puffy. My hair was a mess, and my eyeliner had been smeared… _whatever…_ I walked back into my room and sat on my bed.

I woke up to the sound of the doorbell… _ugh… I guess I fell asleep…_ "wow… Ellie… are… are you ok?" Marco asked when he saw me. I shook my head no. I was too afraid to open my mouth because I knew I would start bawling _Marco… I'm so glad to see him…_we went inside "what happened?" he asked sitting down on the couch. I sat next to him and stayed silent "El, what's going on?"

"M…my…my d…dad… he…." I couldn't finish my sentence and it didn't matter, Marco got it. He hugged my tightly and just let me cry.

"It's ok Ellie, it's ok" he said over and over again. We sat in silence for a while after I had finally stopped crying. I heard the sound of keys outside my door _shit…mom's back…_

"Marco... my mom's home.. you gotta go…" I said getting up. He followed my lead and I opened the front door

"Hi Marco" my mom said smiling at him

"Hi Mrs. Nash…Call me later ok El?" he said turning to me and giving me a hug. I nodded "bye" he walked away _please… don't leave me with her… ugh… it's no use…_

"Why was Marco here and better yet why weren't you at school today?" my mom asked "just because I'm not here doesn't mean you can do whatever the fuck you want you need to learn how to be responsible Eleanor"

"dad…. Daddy's dead…. They….they called yesterday…a…after you left…" I chocked out

"oh really… and you think that's a good enough reason to miss school?" I just stared at her. She didn't seem to care I had just told her that her husband, her soulmate was dead. "WELL?" I shook my head no "what was that?"

"n…no…" I said "I'm going tomorrow… not that you even care" _shit... did I just say that out loud?_

"what did you say young lady" she came closer to me

"you heard me.. you don't care about me… you only need me around to clean up after you when you're too drunk to do it yourself" _shit… that was supposed to stay in my head… shit shit shit shit. _I felt her grab my arm and I winced in pain. She started pulling me out of my room. I tried to fight back but she held on harder. She pulled me ahead of her as we went down the stairs

"Mom… what are you doing…?" I asked when we got downstairs. She pulled me to the door and slammed me into it. "mom you're crazy.. what the…" She slapped me.

"I'll teach you to not disrespect your mother Eleanor" her face moving closer. I smelled breath mints and beer on her breath "you're no longer welcome in this house do you hear me?" She said reaching behind me to open the door

"what the fuck mom..? where the fuck am I supposed to go? You've finally lost it haven't you?" She grabbed my arms and shook me

"Don't talk back to me. I'm your mother I know what's best for you." She pulled me next to her and opened the door all the way "OUT" she yelled and pushed me out the door. She slammed it in my face _shit… now what… I don't have any of my stuff…where am I gonna go… Ashley's probably out with Craig and Marco's probably with Dylan…_

A while later I found myself at Marco's door. I rang the doorbell and waited for someone to answer. "Marco…c….can I…can I crash here….um… for the night…?" I asked and the tears started falling once more…..


	4. Chapter 4

"Ellie… I didn't think you'd be here today" Ashley as I walked up to her behind Marco. _Way to keep your mouth shut Marco_. "how are you?" she asked in a sympathetic voice

"I'm cool" I said and smiled. She looked at Marco and he shrugged. I walked past her and headed for my locker. _Maybe I should've stayed home… I shouldn't be here…_I remembered how great Marco was the night before. He didn't asked what happened, he didn't make me tell him anything, he was just there for me. We talked about the latest stupid movie we saw… and he just… he just got me.

"Ellie, hun, I heard about your dad I'm really sorry" I recognized Paige's voice immediately

"Yeah… whatever…" I said and kept walking _Don't cry Nash… you're ok… just get to your locker and you'll be fine…don't let this bother you_. I said to myself over and over until I got to my locker. It took me a while to remember my combo. I didn't have much in there since all my stuff was still at home...I reached up and found the little black box

"Ellie can I see you in my office for a few minutes?" Ms. Sauve asked. I stuffed the box in my sweatshirt pocket and followed her to the all too familiar guidance office. We sat in her office in silence for a while. I could tell she was searching for the best way to ask…

"How are you holding up?" She finally said. I shrugged "How about your mother?" I shrugged again. "Ellie, I know we've talked a lot about this, but it _is_ ok to cry" I nodded. "Why are you at school today?" I shrugged again "Maybe you should go home." I shook my head " you need time to grieve, you need time to yourself, you need to have time to cope with your father's death." Tears were falling again. I stood up and I left. I couldn't, no, I didn't want to listen to here anymore. I found Marco and told him I was going back to his house. He gave me his keys after arguing that he should come with me. "Call me if you need anything… and you should probably go get some of your stuff… if you're up to it" I nodded and walked out of the halls that I hated so much and into the streets that I now hated more.

I reached under the welcome mat to get the spare key. I opened the door slowly. "mom…?" I asked not sure if she was there. _Call me if you need anything… and you should probably go get some of your stuff…_I thought about what Marco said that morning… that's why I was here… for my stuff. I slowly opened the door. I checked the downstairs and I didn't find her. I ran upstairs and checked her room and bathroom. She wasn't there either so I went to my room. I started throwing clothes in my backpack. I dug in my closet for my duffel bag and started throwing stuff in there too. I ran into my bathroom and grabbed all the things I needed from there. Then I remembered something…_ my box… my secret box under the bed_. I slowly got onto my stomach and dug around under my bed _shit I got too much stuff under here… there… got it_. I suddenly felt myself getting pulled by the ankles

"DIDN'T I SAY YOU'RE NOT WELCOME HERE?" my mom yelled pulling me up off the floor. "Didn't I say you don't belong here?" I stayed silent "DIDN'T I?" She pushed me back. I tripped over my backpack and my head hit the wall. "YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT ELEANOR NOT EVEN WHEN I PUNISH YOU" I felt her kick me again, just like she did two days ago but this time it hurt so bad I couldn't breathe. She picked up my backpack and threw it at me "SO YOU WANT YOUR STUFF HUH?" She went over to my desk and picked up a CD case. It hit me on the head and blood trickled down my forehead "THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT? ALL THE STUFF I PAYED FOR ALL THE THINGS YOU'RE SO UNGRATEFUL FOR" She kept throwing things at me. She picked up the picture frame with the picture of me and my dad in it

"not….not daddy…" My mom stopped what she was doing. She looked at the picture, laughed, and put it back on my desk. She walked out of my room. I heard the front door again _I gotta get up… I gotta go… before she gets back… gotta get back to Marco's…_I slowly started to get up. The pain in my side was unbearable _c'mon Ellie you can do it…_I managed to stand up and pick up my stuff. I grabbed the picture of me and my dad on my way out. I slowly got downstairs but by the time I made it to the front door I knew I wouldn't make it back to Marco's house on my own. I got my phone and called him

"Hello"

"Marco… I… I need help with my stuff… and hurry… please…" I hung up.


	5. Chapter 5

I didn't know where I was when I woke up until I saw Marco asleep in a chair next to me. He looked like he'd been crying. "Marco…" I whispered, when he didn't wake up, I reached my arm out. _Shit... not good_. I pulled my arm back instantly… I didn't have long sleeves on…_he knows… god he knows now…_"Marco" I said louder "Marco wake up…" I reached out and tapped his knee and pulled my arm back before he could see it.

"El…" he sat up in his chair "how u feeling?" he asked I shrugged.

"ok I guess… what happened?"

"that's what I wanna know… Ellie you have broken and bruised ribs and you needed stitches on you forhead… and…" he looked down to where my arms were covered by the blanket. I shifted unfomfortably.

"Marco…. I…" I couldn't say anything else

"Who did this to you?" I shruygged and looked down afraid to look him in the eye. He always knew exactly what I was thinking and I didn't wanna give him the change to guess. "El…" I started crying again "it was your mom wasn't it?" I shook my head slowly no when I just wanted to scream YES. "Ellie…El…look at me" He said forcimg my eyes to meet his "It was her… wasn't it?" he didn't need me to answer… he already knew… "El…" He reached out to give me a hug but I refused._ I don't deserve his friendship…here he is… always here for me… and I can't even be happy for him and Dylan… I'm just being selfish… why can't I just be happy and normal…_

"Marco…can I just be alone….please.."

"But El… you…"

"Please…" I interrupted. He looked at me for a second then sighed

"ok… I'll be out there if you need me"

"Marco!" Ashley said running into the hospital "Marco.. what happened…. How is she… is she ok?"

"I dunno what happened… she called me to help her with her stuff and when I got there she was on the floor in her living room…. I tried to wake her up but she wouldn't so I just called emergency… Ash… she's been beat up… she has broken ribs needed stitches but they say she'll be ok

"Who…"

"I dunno… Marco said before Ashley could finish her question

"I'm gonna go see her…"

"She kicked me out… she just watns to be alone…" Ashley just kept walking and ignored Marco. She came over and knocked on my open door.

"Hey Ellie…" She said with a smile "how are you?" _I've just had the crap beat out of me by my drunk mother, I have no dad, my best friend knows I'm a cutter, and I feel worthless…oh yeah I'm wonderful…_

"uh… good" I said Ashley came over to give me a hug and I backed away

"Ellie… what's going on…? Marco told me you were beat up…who did this?" I shrugged "and why are you staying with Marco? Did something happen with…" she paused like something hit her all of a sudden "…your mom…. She…she did this… she's still drinking…." Tears were streaming down my cheeks again. _Damnit Ellie why do you have to cry so much… keep it together loser_

"Ash… I just wanna be alone ok?"

"Ellie…"

"Ash…please…"

"but.. you…"

"JUST LEAVE!" I yelled. Now I was pissed... _why can't everyone just leave me the fuck alone I'll be fine…_ Ashley just glared at me and left. A while later Marco knocked on my door

"you can go home in a few days" He said

"um… ok…" I wasn't really interesting in what he was saying…actually I just didn't care.

"and they uh… they want you to go to therapy because of…" he looked down

"why? Because of my arms? Ok yes I cut myself so fucking what? I already hate myself enough for it I don't need everyone to tell me it's wrong. They just think I'm some freak that has coping issues and wanna ship me off to therapy… like that's really gonna halp… Souve doesn't help… why would anyone else?"

"El… they just wanna help…"

"no they don't… fuck them… they just wanna act like they're the greatest person in the world and they know everything about you when in reality they have no idea what the fuck is going on in your life and all they want is their weekly check… I'm fine on my own… I don't need to pay anyone to tell me that I'm depressed"

"Ellie… you're not fine… you're hurting yourself… that's not fine…"

"Marco… I'm ok….I promise"

"Why"

"Why what?"

"Why do you do that?"

"I…. I just….. do…."

"let me see…"

"Marco… " I couldn't say anything else… I couldn't keep lying to my best friend… I moved the blanket off my arms and showed them to Marco. I didn't know what he was thinking… for the first time since we became friends I couldn't read him… I didn't know what he was feeling… _He thinks I'm a freak… he thinks I'm a loser… what the hell was I thinking showing this to him… I'm so stupid I…_and then I noticed something… Marco was crying... he was crying for me….

"Ellie…. Why…. Why couldn't you just… just….talk to me… "

"Marco… this isn't the easiest think to talk about… like… Hey marco how's your day been by the way I like to cut my arms open when I feel like shit… yeah right…" I just rolled my eyes and put my arms back under the covers.

"I could help you…. I mean… now that… now that I know… I'm here for you El and you know that…. No matter what… I'm here" _yeah… except when you're with Dylan…_I subconsciously rolled my eyes and he noticed. "What was that for?" he asked

"oh… no… nothing.."

"Ellie…."

"it's just that you and Ashley are always busy with your own lives… I mean you have Dylan and she has Craig and I dunno… I dunno what I'm saying…"

"El…as much as I love Dylan… you're my best friend and I'm never too busy for you… I'd skip out on Dylan in a second if I knew you needed me" We stayed in silence for a while until a nurse came in. She kicked Marco out since visiting hours were over. He said goodbye to me and that he'd be back tomorrow.

I woke up the next day to the sunshine. _Why do they keep these stupid rooms so bright… a little darkness isn't bad… _I groaned and sat up with a lot of difficulty

"Hello Eleanor" I looked around and there she was… my mother… sitting in the chair in the corner of my room….


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I'm sorry I haven't updated in forever… Senior year was insanely stressful... I hope you like this chapter…**

"Mom… what are you… why..." I tried to keep the panic in my voice to a minimum while trying to figure out how I was gonna get help

"My baby girl was hurt and I couldn't just leave her on her own" My mom walked over to me and put her hand on my head causing me to flinch. "Don't be scared baby mommy's here" she said starting to stroke my hair. I had no way to get away or protect myself and I started to panic. My mom noticed as soon as I started shaking "what's wrong baby" she said. Tears started falling down my face and as just then as if on cue one of the nurses walked in.

"No one is allowed to be in here. The visiting hours haven't started yet" The nurse said

"I'm her mother"

"I'm sorry but no one is allowed those are the rules" The nurse said "Now if you'll follow me I can"

"I'm her mother and I'm not leaving" My mom let me go and got up to confront the nurse.

"I'm sorry but if you don't leave I will be forced to call security."

"This is my daughter I have rights and I won't leave" She looked back at me and smiled "Don't you worry Eleanor I won't leave you alone" She said. The nurse could tell my mom was a little off so she left. I hope it was to call Security. "see Eleanor everything's fine and I get to stay" She started walking back towards me and I again started to panic. _Oh crap… please let that nurse come back… please let her come back please…_ My thoughts were interrupted by a man speaking.

"Mrs. Nash the nurse has informed me you refuse to leave. I'm sorry but you'll have to come with me" My mom stopped in her tracks and turned around to stare at the security guard

"This is my daughter I have the right to be here and be with her" my mom said and turned back towards me.

"Mrs. Nash you are not allowed to be here come with me" the security guard insisted walking towards us. My mom turned around to face him. He grabbed her arm and started pulling her towards the door. My mom fought back with all she had but thank god he was stronger than she was and she finally left the room. The nurse came towards me.

"It's ok sweetheart your mom won't be able to hurt you anymore" she told me. _How did she know that? _Tears started to fall down my face. I wiped them away and then I wanted an answer.

"How did you know about my mom?" I asked the nurse trying to keep myself in check.

"I overheard you talking to your friend yesterday"

"oh" an awkward silence followed until finally the nurse spoke

"I need to finish my rounds but you can go home after the doctor has looked at you today" The nurse said turning around and walking out of my room. _Great… I can go… but I have no where to go_

"Hey El" Marco said walking in to my room later that day.

"Hi"

"How are you feeling?" He asked and I just rolled my eyes "sorry" he muttered

"Marco my mom was here this morning and she…"

"What? When? Why didn't you call me?" he said

"Marco let me finish…. She was taken away by security… like hauled off kicking and screaming" I said putting my head in my hands

"Wow… El… that's… bad…" I just shrugged and rolled my eyes "Do they know?" I nodded slowly "Well at least now she can't hurt you anymore" I shrugged again…_ yeah I guess not but I have nowhere to go… either way I'm screwed _I thought "Here before I forget I brought you some clothes…" Marco said snapping me out of my thoughts. I looked through what he brought me and noticed him staring at my arms. I quickly found sweatshirt and put it on _finally I get to cover my arms again_ "Sorry" he said noticing it made me uncomfortable. I shrugged letting him know that I didn't care. We sat in silence for a long time until the doctor came in.

"Are you ready to go home Ellie?" the doctor asked a little over happy. I shrugged

"I guess" I said. He checked my pulse and heart beat and all the usual stuff. Then he checked to see how my forehead was and how my ribs were healing.

"You seem to be doing good. I think you're ready to go home but under your condition before you can go I'm required to set up a mandatory meeting for you with the psychiatrist" the doctor said exactly what I was dreading…


	7. Chapter 7

"Don't worry El… it'll be ok" Marco tried to re assure me as we were waiting for D-Day. _Ok so it's not d-day but a psychiatrist? Great…_ "it might actually help… I don't want you to hurt yourself anymore this might be good for you"

"Yeah or they might think I'm crazy and throw me into some mental institution" I said rolling my eyes

"I can assure you that will not happen" a tall, very professional looking female doctor complete with glasses and her hair back in a perfect bun, said walking into my room "you must be Eleanor Nash" she continued _great she even sounds professional… I'm screwed_ "I'm Dr. Robinson, the head psychiatrist of this hospital and I've been informed that I was to see you today" _I've been informed? Ok that's it_

"ok first of all it's Ellie and second I don't need to talk to you… I'm fine" I retaliated

"Well from what I see from your medical charts you are not…Excuse me young man would you kindly leave us to talk alone?" Dr. Robinson said. Marco hesitated but eventually turned and walked out of the room. I rolled my eyes _great this is gonna suck..._ "So… Ellie is it? Can you tell me why you are here" I just stared at her. "I see you have several broken ribs can you tell me how you got those?" I just continued to stare. _She actually thinks I'm gonna answer her doesn't she?_

"Look I get you're trying to help… I'm not trying to be a bitch or anything… but I hate talking about stuff… and I really don't wanna talk to you about anything"

"I understand it may be hard to talk to someone you don't think can relate to you…"

"no it's not even that… I can't even tell my best friends anything that's going on… I just don't talk… I hate it…"

"Well I see I'm not going to make any progress there but before I got I must see the extent of your self-injury to determine whether or not you are allowed to go home or not"

"Seriously?" I just stared at her…

"Its hospital policy that in cases of self-mutilation…" _I cringed at that… self-mutilation… I hate it when people call it that… it's just a cut… I'm not trying to hack off my arm or anything… _ "…before you can be discharged" _great so if I wanna leave this hell I actually have to show her? But it's my arm… my body… my life… it's my secret… MINE…heh… but I guess I have no fucking choice… shit… Well... I guess its worth it… but what if its bad enough that she can keep me here? I guess I'm pretty much screwed either way… _I pulled my sweatshirt over my head but hesitated to roll the sleeves off my arms. _C'mon Nash… you do this and you're free… I think…_ I pulled my sweatshirt off completely showing my deepest secret to this perfect stranger. In a way I felt naked… l was vulnerable… I had nowhere to hide this… someone was inspecting my arms… my cuts… my scars…my twisted comfort… and there was nothing I could do about it. Tears started rolling down my face and I didn't even notice until Dr. Robinson said something.

"Ellie this isn't nearly as bad as I've seen before so calm down, however…" I started to panic _shit… she's gonna keep me here… it's really that bad… shit…_ "I must insist that you see a therapist about this. Dr. James is a highly trained therapist specializing in teenagers and I think you will benefit greatly from talking to her." I sighed in relief.

"So I can go?" I asked almost dreading the answer

"Yes" _oh thank god… I have nowhere to go but anywhere is better than here. _"But Ellie remember I need you to see Dr. James. I will be checking up on that" _checking up? Fuck… that means I actually have to go… ok so I'll go once… or twice … just to make her forget… _"I will send a nurse in to discharge you. Take care of yourself Ms. Nash" the Doctor said getting up and walking out of my room. I put my sweatshirt back on and a few seconds later Marco walked back in. I was so relieved to see my best friend.

"How'd it go?" he asked. I shrugged though he knew something happened because I had been crying.

"I can go home" I said "if only I actually had a home to go to"

"El you know you can stay with my family as long as you need to. My parents love you and they won't care… really"

"I can't stay with you forever. I have no family Marco… I have nowhere to go… my dad's dead… my mom… I don't give a shit… but I don't have anything left…" Tears were coming in a steady stream now "I'm scared I don't know what's gonna happen now" Marco came closer and wrapped me in a hug

"It's gonna be ok Ellie… we'll figure this out… I promise… I won't let you down" he said still holding me tight. _I have the best friend in the world._ I knew that Marco's promises mean something… and from that moment on I knew that everything was really gonna be ok… I was gonna be ok.


End file.
